Food, glorious food

It's been a busy week for me, I've been doing loads of research for World Mental Health Day on Tuesday and I've been planning an event at work to mark the occasion. I've also been plagued with a killer migraine so my energy levels have been next to nothing.

Despite this, I've powered through and got on with things. I've also been writing a few quotes for the lovely Jodie with her series of "What it feels like" blog posts for World Mental Health Day (www.justagirlinterrupted.com).

Since being ill I rarely go out socialising, it's something that makes me quite anxious. I can't drink these days due to all the pills I take for various ailments as well as my depression and I hate being around drunk people. Nevertheless, on Friday I had a family night out with my mum, my sister-in-law and her mam. We went to Boulevard in Newcastle for a night of cabaret and comedy.

We had such a laugh and was exactly what I needed after a busy week, but boy was I glad to be home afterwards. I find going out exhausting probably because I'm on high alert and in fear of having a Panic Attack. I was terrified that as Miss Rory came round the audience that I would be ridiculed for being so fat and disgusting.

You see when I was at my lowest point of my depression, struggling to make it through the next five minutes I used food as a coping mechanism in order to feel something other than the pain of my thoughts.

You might think that a binge eating disorder is just someone who is greedy but it isn’t the case at all. It’s completely psychological, it’s done in secret, there’s preplanning involved working out what foods to eat to make me happy.

B-Eat define Binge Eating Disorder (BED) as the following:

binge eating disorder (BED) is a serious mental illness where people experience a loss of control and overeat on a regular basis. People who binge eat consume very large quantities of food over a short period of time (called bingeing) and they often eat even when they are not hungry. It is not about eating extra large portions. 

When the binge starts I would describe that I go into a trance-like state hearing or seeing nothing else and all my thinking is that the food will make me happy, this will get me through the next 5 minutes of life and make me forget all the other stuff swirling around my head. I could be stood in the kitchen with tears streaming down my face, shovelling food into my mouth in the hope it would make me feel better.

I never felt happiness, I felt guilty and ashamed and hideous. I've always struggled with my weight and even when I was skinny I thought I was fat.

In March 2015, I took part in a 6 week transformation challenge to lose 20 pounds. It was a gruelling exercise regime and a diet which had to be adjusted for me as carbs are my enemy. I'm not going to lie, I got a bit obsessed and did everything possible to get to the target 20 pounds weight loss... the incentive was to get your money back if you achieved it, and that was £200 going back in the bank! In the end I lost 22.8 pounds.

This is a photo of me just after I completed the challenge.

I looked good, I felt confident. I kept the weight off for several months but then my mental health started to deteriorate.

Once the binges started I stopped looking in the mirror so I wouldn't have to see the monster I had become. I think I used it as another coping mechanism... which I didn't see at the time but it all makes sense now. Relationships screwed me up and desperate to end the cycle of cheats and liars, and if I got fat, no one would find me attractive and therefore I was protecting myself from getting hurt again.

So.... in the space of 18 months I put on 6 stone. It breaks my heart to see what I've done to my body and whilst I no longer have the binges, I'm struggling to lose any weight other than a few pounds here and there.

This brings me back to Friday night. Seeing the photos and the reality of how I look is really hard. I loathe myself, I wish that all the fat would just dissolve and evaporate from my body. I have no one to blame but myself. I ALONE DID THIS TO MY BODY.

It's just never-ending, despite feeling mentally well this brings me back down and makes me feel miserable. I am trying to change my relationship with food and it's a long road ahead. I'm actually in the process of doing a level 2 certificate in Nutrition and Health which I am hoping will assist in changing my mindset around food.

I feel I'm ready to address it now and deal with the psychological issues. In the next week or so, I'm planning on contacting B-eat and Anxiety UK to see what support and advice is available...wish me luck!!